You have to wait for fate to make its move

“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate… without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn’t fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart… and if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away”

Thank you Carrie.

I love this quote.  I know Shakespeare it isn’t but still the words knit together so nicely they could almost be lyrics in a song.  These are the kind of words that resonate with me because I know that my past and all of its mistakes are the very reason why I have the life I have now and I can’t imagine having any other life.

When I think of fate I often think back around 16 years ago.  It was around this time that I found out my then husband (who is now my ex husband) had an affair.  The marriage broke down immediately.  I was heart broken and humiliated and I was left in a state of raw vulnerability.  It bloody hurt.  Fast forward though, through a year of reflection, some retail therapy, a string of bad awful dates, a lovely, sweet but short fling and an overseas trip and then, as kindly planned by the universe, I met MM.  If I believe in fate (and I do) then without the affair MM and I wouldn’t be together and Charlie wouldn’t be Charlie.  Both of those concepts are unfathomable.  That’s not to say that the affair was my mistake but perhaps there were mistakes made that were a catalyst for the affair.  At the time the affair rocked the very core of me and certainly sent me on another course and yet that course is everything about who I am today.  Wife, mother, friend, business owner.  I find it impossible to look at where I am in my life without believing that fate was at play.

These two were my fate

I wish I could say that all of the mistakes I’ve made in the past, especially those that have had an impact on my personal relationships are mistakes I’ve learnt from and therefore haven’t had to repeat, but that’s not true.  I’ve always had this crazy notion about having the perfect life and yet I am far from perfect.  Many of my mistakes can be linked back to my expectations of perfection.  Ridiculous because I am very not perfect.  I am not even close to being the perfect wife but as it happens MM doesn’t expect me to be either.  As for perfect parenting well logically I know this is a crazy stupid concept but that isn’t to say I can’t stop wishing to be the mum at the park with the cool clothes, swishy hair and calm demeanour.  My last park visit (just a week ago) and I forgot Charlie’s water bottle.  Lucky Charlie has a thing for taps.

I’ve just finished reading Jessica Rowe’s book – Is This My Beautiful Life (read about it here)  and oh my giddy aunt, Jess should have dedicated this book to me because I swear she wrote this having been a fly on the wall to my insecurities and emotions.  She makes many references about not being the perfect mum at the park – and since we know this is where I do my finest comparison work – Jess and I really should be park play date friends.

Anyway, back to my reflections on fate.  Though I have stuffed up royally in the past and the mistakes I’ve made have made me think I’ll never get it right, fate has had other intentions.  My mistakes have led me to falling in love again, having a baby and being whom I am.

Carrie was indeed right.