I turned 50 on the weekend. When I was young, 50 sounded old, an inconceivable time far into the future. Yet here I am, at a milestone because so far so good that I’ve made it to this point.
#halfacentury
I hadn’t really thought too much about it, age being just a number and there has been the matter of a global pandemic taking up most of my mental energy. I’ve spent a lot of time in my own head this year but my focus more recently has been less on the age factor and more on being able to celebrate it or not, quite literally I mean, Can I have a party? Can I hug and kiss my guests? Do I have to provide hand sanitiser on the drinks tray along with the gin and tonics?
And isn’t gin considered a sanitiser anyway?
I have to remind myself that I am lucky to even be in a position to think about celebrating and I feel guilty that I can and that I want to.
I have been mostly unfazed about turning 50 and even more so since I had Charlie. In my late 30’s and early 40’s, before Charlie was born, I would dread birthdays because each year was a reminder of my declining and dysfunctional fertility. When I finally did manage to fall pregnant (at the medically termed geriatric age of 42) and have a baby, birthdays felt different, the loud ticking of the biological clock had been silenced. Then, a few years after Charlie was born I went to a funeral of a 26 year old who had passed away from Melanoma. I knew from that day forward that getting old is a privilege and it’s a belief I hold on to strongly, still to this day.
Yet, here I am, a 50 year old lady.
Middle aged.
I’m not even sure when that happened because as the cliche goes, I don’t feel different. Hot flushes aside, what is it meant to feel like?
Wait, I know…
It feels. Unremarkable.
The universal narrative is that women over 50 feel invisible no longer attracting the kind of attention that is unwanted anyway but still wanting to be seen and noticed. A member of Gen X which is like the middle child and the Jan Brady of generations. The forgotten demographic stuck somewhere in the middle of the wise and dependable baby boomers and the cool and liberal millennials.
Marcia. Marcia. Marcia.
I don’t feel invisible, but maybe irrelevant is more apt a description.
Because despite many of my friends being either in their 40’s and 50’s I’m feel surrounded by millennials and Gen Z. My colleagues and peers, school mums, Instagram, the media. A generation of women who are smart, aspirational, connected, savvy and educated. Change makers and social entrepreneurs. Clear skinned, excellent eyebrows and with opinions that matter.
Woke and worthy.
Am I jealous? No. Envious? Maybe. Mesmerised? Absolutely.
I feel like I’m just trying to keep up and by doing so I’ve lost what it is that I’m meant to be. To swim in my own lane and not feel this warped obsession with wanting to stay relevant but instead be content with where I am in the world because relevance is just some elusive idea. Who gets to say what is relevant or not?
At 50 I’m too old to be hipster but not old enough that I can’t shop at Zara and wear sequins during the day and at night Netflix and chill. I spend an outrageous amount at Mecca because on Instagram everyone’s skin glows more than mine and because I’m easily influenced. I post selfies and use filters. Intellectually I know this to be true, that at my age I should be at the point where this shit doesn’t matter, and I ponder this as I adjust and smooth out my sheet mask.
Last week I thought I might have Covid but upon googling my symptoms, it turns out I might be just a bit menopausal. When the search results flashed before my eyes I laughed out loud and then I felt a bit tired. There are days I dance between having my shit together, winning the productivity trophy to the next day when I’m madly trying to declutter the mental load in my head and the fruitless attempts to make a simple decision.
But then I went to my birthday party, and it suddenly became clear and I’m not entirely sure why it took a cocktail party for me to figure this out. There was something quite humbling in being surrounded by people who had chosen to give their time to come and celebrate with me. Of course, it could have been the free Prosecco. For many it’s been a hellish of a year and so the gathering felt different, a mutual sense of gratitude and a collective knowing of how important it was and how lucky we were that we could all be there together. I’m standing amongst the lit candles and the fairy lights, shimmering brighter, magically, as if even they knew it was different this time. The air is warmer than what it has been in months and I’m listening to animated conversations, joyful laughter, and cheerful shouts for more wine please.
Momentarily I remember the meme during lock down, the one reminding us of all the things we had taken for granted and I get it, this is one of those moments not to ever take for granted and then all of those fears I’ve had of becoming irrelevant seemed to just disappear. This was my relevance. I was relevant to these people.
And then the party was ending, and I had to go home because a little boy, though sleeping, would be waiting for me to kiss him goodnight and to turn out his light. That is what it means to be and to feel relevant. I am relevant to him.
You have lived, and continue to live, an impactful life, Tracey. You have changed the lives of thousands of Queenslanders by placing them into jobs they love and helping companies hire employees that make a difference. Your authentic blogs help build understanding of the many challenges mothers who work outside the home go through. Thank you for the difference you make in the world. Charlie is very lucky to have you as a role model for his many decades of life ahead.
Ross, Thank you for your kind word and your wise mentorship.
I loved this post and totally related. You put into words so many things that I’ve been thinking. At 50 I was lucky to be just coming into my own and feeling liberated and with the world is my oyster aspirations. But by my mid 50s still not altogether invisble I definitely began to feel irrelevent. Now at 62 and with Covid, irrelevance has been my daily black dog feeling. Thanks for reminding me that relevance isn’t always to do with a rock ‘n roll lifestyle, but it’s the little important things where relevance is found.
Thank you so much for commenting, I’m glad this resonated with you. Sometimes it helps when you know someone has a similar feeling or experience. Relevance is most certainly about the little things.
Hey Tracey,
I have read your blog post with interest. You seem like such a strong, hard working and open person. I have spent a lot of time with older women and frankly I look up to them in many ways and I frequently ask for advice or use their outlook and positive qualities as inspiration to continue moving forward.
I am younger than you (in my early 30’s) and I am definitely recognise that odd feeling when you can see that your way of operating may not be relevant. It is interesting how technology and social media has changed our society so quickly and definitively over the last 12 years. Younger women are already dealing with these feelings because technology has changed the social landscape so quickly. I actually have talked to a teenager that I know, that has mentioned they can’t keep up with all of the latest trends. Unless you sit at home unemployed and listless you can’t keep up with everything, it’s not possible, even for some younger people.
What is interesting though, is that I think there are universal truths or bits of wisdom that actually don’t change regardless of how much the world around us appears to.
1. So for example the wisdom of people older than us will always have value actual value, whether society recognises that or not is actually in some ways irrelevant (there are always individuals that will see your value, regardless of your age),
2. We still need genuine human contact with each other and that includes older members of our community. We have evolved as social creatures that reside in groups and we need each other to function properly.
3. The great equaliser is ageing and death, every young person (if they are fortunate) will get older and age and will transform, not matter how many serums, creams, special treatments they try. No-one escapes this and that kind of makes it ok. After all it is part of the circle of life (*cue The Lion King reference).
4. It is the little things that matter; a good cup of coffee, the birds singing in the morning, the way that the light bounces off of Eucalyptus leaves, the joy of seeing a friends face and the smell of fresh bread. Technology cannot replace these things, it really can’t.
5. So this is vital to remember, how much you love and are loved in return by your loved ones and family is what matters the most in the end. We will all die. Your dearest loved ones will remember how you loved them and how you made them feel when you are gone. Your social status, the number of Instagram followers you have, your ability to look hot no matter how old you are, your ability to appeal to men or women, your relevance and status in society, the type of car you drive, the brands you wear, whether your hair is cut in the latest trend, your ability to contour your face and your bank balance actually do not matter. We will all leave our physical bodies behind and our status in society and our material items cannot be taken with us.
6. If no-one is paying attention to you anymore, that means you are free and you can do what you like. How much of our lives is spent thinking about how others perceive us, far too much time. So how awesome is that?? Hahahaha.
7. Every human (and animal and plant on the planet) has intrinsic value. This value does not need to be earned or bought or fought for, we just have it and it never goes away, no matter how old we get.
8. There is a gap between actual reality and our perceived reality. That gap is difficult to measure and it may even provide some solace for you to recognise that we are all living in our own perception of reality, rather than seeing what is actually there. The real world out there is very different to the world that we humans have created for ourselves.
Anyway I will stop here, I could write more, but you probably do not have the time to read more.
I hope that can start to feel more grounded within yourself and care less about irrelevance, considering how intrinsically valuable you are.
🙂
Wow, what a thoughtful response and thank you for taking the time to respond with such insight and wisdom.